I moved home from Sheffield in the summer of 2015. I had just completed my undergraduate degree and I was very much drained. For a person who likes challenges and tough situations, Sheffield had been too much. It was such a topsy-turvy experience for my spirit, soul and body that I was stretched to the point where I broke and to say I was discombobulated is an understatement.
On getting home, one of the decisions I had to make was whether I would keep going to my home church, Winners Chapel which I had attended since I was very little (I LOVE, LOVE my home church) or become a full-time member at Hillsong London. Prior to university, I had been attending the 6 p.m. Sunday service at Hillsong after my own home church services. (I love church!)
After a trip to my home church, I decided that was not the place for me to be at the time. I decided to join Hillsong fully. Now, the question was would I be a passive member or an active one? My university church and fellowship experiences had made me scared of the church and her people.
I had the privilege of growing up in a very healthy church environment such that all my life prior to moving to uni, my church experiences and relationships with people within the church environment had been mostly positive. My idea of what the church experience was at the time was a very one-sided, naive idea to hold on to as truth. There are two sides to life and it is very crucial to be aware of this. This awareness was what university gave me not only in spiritual matters but in almost everything.
I did the whole get to church late, sit at the back and leave early thing for a while. This was very different from all my prior church experiences since I was young, I had always been involved in the church community and activities. It was freeing to be by myself but I reached a point where I knew that to unlock the next level of freedom and growth, I would need to become part of the church; an actual member who played her part rather than a spectator. "Christianity can be done in isolation but it is best done in community" - Nick Nilson. Even God acknowledges this. Psalm 133:1 says “How good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity”.
Being within a group of loving people trying to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling is one of the best experiences a Christian can have once there is love, unity and an individual and collective desire for spiritual growth. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching - Hebrews 10:24-25. The truth is I had to decide whether I would choose to step out and overcome the fears that had sprung up due to my horrible experiences or whether I would choose to allow the pain, hurt and fears keep me cowered. I had always heard people say thing like "I don't like being within a group of friends" or "I don't do best friends" or "Female friendships don't work" and based on my university experiences, I could have clung on to these lies and allowed them become strongholds on the inside of me but I had a history prior to university, particularly the first 15 years of my life which I spent living in my home country Nigeria that proved these theories wrong and I also had God's word to hold me accountable. The worst thing would be to make general conclusions based on one or two or even maybe three experiences when God says otherwise. If God says there is a way for me to thrive in community and that I am better off communing with fellow believers, then that means there is a group of people and friendships out there where I belong. I just needed to allow God to lead me to them or lead them to me.
I said a prayer asking for God's guidance. I then signed up for a sisterhood connect group as that was what I felt I needed. In the process, I found myself in a games connect group where we ate, played board games and prayed with one another every other Tuesday. At first, I was guarded (life experiences have made me take a longer time to warm up to people), I slowly opened up once I realised everyone was heartwarming and kind. About three months later, I got a call from Ronika who leads the sisterhood connect group I joined. It was also nice being among people who were not presumptuous or made general assumptions about me being guarded initially. I have been in situations where people concluded that I was proud and not easy to get along with. They judged me before knowing me. But these new environments provided me with the opportunity to grow at my own pace and allowed me to be genuinely myself.
I decided to write this post today because I completed the bible study guide we started about a year ago today and I am better for it. I am glad I chose to trust God and pursue peace and healing. Beth Moore's #BreakingFree bible study guide was instrumental in allowing me to heal through all these hurts. I am not yet totally where I want to be but I have healed and grown so much. The lies that were trying to hold on to me kept dropping one after the other and to think this was facilitated by doing the study together with about ten other lovely ladies. It was beautiful and ultimately freeing. Now, I am considering leading a sisterhood connect group myself. Isn't God awesome?!
Psalm 34:14 says Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. I think that was what I did and continually seek to do. I could have chosen to remain hurt, blamed everybody and thrown a pity party for myself but I'm glad I took responsibility and was ready to shake off the unnecessary weight that clung to me. All I needed was God's word, an open heart from myself and fellow believer friends.
I seek peace with God, peace with myself and peace with other people. To make this possible, I seek environments that allow for peace to thrive.
