When I received a text from Ronika, my lovely sisterhood connect-group leader, stating that our next study and discussions would be based on The 5 Love Languages (Singles Edition), I sighed and groaned. Earlier that week, I had listened to a podcast in which the two lady speakers had discussed the 5 Love Languages concept. I had also recently had a disagreement with someone on how neither food nor travel were love languages on their own but could be used as tools to speak any of the love languages in personal relationships. I loved the book and the message it conveyed but at that point, I was a bit tired of hearing about it all.
Whilst Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages concept has been popular since the book was published in 1995, there seems to be a renaissance and renewed interest in the contents and principles the book promotes, particularly among millennials; Christians and non-Christians alike. For anyone who has no clue what this is about, I’ll explain: years of research and practical work in counselling led Gary Chapman to conclude that there are five love languages namely; Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. Every human being will like to receive love in a certain language (or multiple love languages, if they are bilingual), that is how they feel loved. The aim is for us to study the people in our lives so that we are well versed in what their love languages are and as such show them love in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling to them and vice-versa. The 5 love languages books are based on biblical principles but are not religious books as no bible verses and little references to the bible are made. The books are filled with diverse examples of practical ways people used the 5 Love Languages concepts to solve problems in their relationships (both romantic and non-romantic).
I am glad people continue to study and learn about how to better themselves and their relationships (myself included). Many people have found the principles in the book very useful in saving their personal relationships and making things go a lot smoother in their love lives. After Ron got in touch with me about doing the study, I pondered on it and decided there was a possibility that I would miss out on learning something new if I opted out so I went through with it and I am glad I did. It was a lovely experience discussing the concepts with the girls in my sisterhood connect group, each person shared their unique stories and that brought more colour and wisdom. We studied the 5 love languages concept from a single person’s perspective (using the single’s edition), a different approach from what I was expecting and used to. Personally, I was mostly impacted by chapter 11 of the book - “Should Love Lead to Marriage?” I have decided to explore the topic.
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” - we hear this so much in Christendom but while thinking on this statement sometime back, I wondered if two believers could be unequally yoked. The Bible makes it clear that marriage is the joining of two people to become one (Mark 10:7-9) therefore it is indeed vital that as children of God choosing to grow and develop our relationships with God, whoever we choose to become one with is a child of God who also daily works out their salvation with fear and trembling. Although thoroughly applicable to how marriage choices should be made by single Christians, I don’t believe that this unequally yoked statement Paul made in 2nd Corinthians chapter 6 was geared towards marriage per se. The chapter was a reminder to the people of Corinth that they were separate and called out of the world to be Holy.
Contextually speaking, the unequally yoked statement is a reference to how animals were used on farms in ancient Israel to help with ploughing the soil in preparation for planting. The animals (usually oxen, donkeys or horses) essentially did the work tractors do today. In order to carry out this task, two animals of the same type are yoked or fastened together at the neck (sometimes at the head) with a wooden beam, to enable them pull and transport heavy loads together. Problems would usually arise when two different animal types are yoked together to pull a load e.g. consider a horse and an ox together. The two animals are configured differently with regards to body mass, strength profile, and cognition and will therefore, be at loggerheads with each other during the process such that the task they have been coupled together to achieve will not be accomplished. There are simply very wide differences between the two animals so they find it hard to work together, in fact, each animal would be better separate. Indeed, two cannot work together except they agree (Amos 3:3).
Problems can also arise if we have a pair of the same animals (say two oxen) which are not of similar weight. Although both oxen have the same sense of direction, one ox ends up carrying way more load than the other ox in a situation that is meant to be balanced. The ox with lesser capacity ends up stalling, slowing down the stronger and faster ox. To avoid both oxen becoming frustrated, the ideal situation will be to tether the stronger ox to another ox with a similar body mass index (it doesn’t have to be exactly the same weight, but needs to have close enough capabilities and strengths) and to tether the ox with lesser weight to an ox with a similar weight to itself. That way, these two pairs of oxen will carry out the task more efficiently with each ox contributing just the right amount of energy to get the work done. In this scenario, no ox is having to overcompensate for a fellow undercompensating ox. There is a good measure of balance.
I had been thinking on this for a long time and could not reach a satisfying position until I started Chapter 11 of Gary Chapman’s single edition of The 5 love languages. At the centre of the chapter lies the question “What is the purpose of marriage?” Most people list companionship, sex, love, children, social acceptance, economic advantage, and security as reasons for marriage but Gary Chapman argues that all these can be achieved outside of marriage but that marriage is God’s answer for humanity’s deepest need - the union of life with another i.e. becoming one flesh with another person. Becoming one flesh means that the husband and wife will share life spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, socially and physically. This calls for a deep sense of unity. I believe that this deep sense of unity Gary Chapman talks about is equivalent to being equally yoked. Notice that the deep sense of unity is not only required in spirituality. It encompasses intellectual, emotional, social and physical spaces as well.
Summarised below, is a synopsis of the kind of unity required, as extracted from Chapter 11 of The 5 Love Languages (Single’s Edition):
Intellectual Unity. To be able to get to the root of intellectual unity, practicality is important. It is vital that both parties can communicate with each other on the same intellectual plane even if they don’t have the same intellectual interests. During dating, discussion about what kinds of books they read, what TV shows and programs they enjoy and general life curiosities should be explored. If a person does not read, that already reveals something. The two people involved could discuss headline articles and maybe a book they both choose to read, to gain insight into each other’s perspectives on life. The main questions to ask is , “Do we hold enough in common intellectually to have a basis for growth?”. If the answer is yes, then that means there is intellectual compatibility.
Emotional Unity. Emotional unity is that deep sense of being connected to another person. When there is emotional unity, each person in the relationship feels loved, respected and appreciated by the other person. It is easy to mistaken the euphoria that being “in love” provides for what it means to be actually loved. The evidence that a person makes you feel loved and that you make them feel loved is that you consistently speak each other’s love languages. To respect a person is to acknowledge that they are a creature of extreme worth, created by the Most-High God and to treat them as such. Respect means you give the other person freedom to be themselves and keep their individuality even in a space that both of you occupy. You can tell a person respects you by how they treat your ideas, emotions, and dreams.
Social Unity. Human beings are social beings so it is important that the two people involved explore each other’s social lives. The right questions to ask include: Do we have the same social interests? How much effort and time does the other person spend on their social activities and is this going to change much after marriage? According to Gary Chapman, there must be a foundation for unity because social growth between couples ought to begin before marriage. The dating period is the time when the duo can see if they can learn to enjoy the same things. More importantly, ask yourself the question “If he or she never change their present social interest, will I be happy to live with them for the rest of my life?”
Physical Unity. According to Gary Chapman, physical incompatibility is almost nonexistent because sexual unity is intrinsically linked to emotional, spiritual and social unity and most problems that develop in the sexual life of a couple is often as a result of a lack of connection or unity in the other areas i.e. social, emotional, spiritual etc. If we are to obey God wholly and truly, sex is to be awakened and explored only in marriage. “I believe that most people who engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage do so out of a sincere desire to find intimacy. Unfortunately, sexual intercourse does not create intimacy. Sex outside of marriage often sidetracks the process of building intimacy and becomes itself a source of great pain physically and emotionally."
Spiritual Unity. This is the one we hear of the most in church. The need to be on the same spiritual wavelength as one’s significant other cannot be overemphasised. Gary Chapman believes that spiritual foundations are important because they influence all other life areas and unity. Two important questions to ask are “Do our hearts beat spiritually together”? and “Are we encouraging each other in spiritual growth, or is one consistently pulling in the opposite direction? Personally, I believe each individual must have a personal relationship with God that they grow and develop on a daily basis. This way, it is easy to sharpen each other spiritually. I also think it is important to discuss Christian values and beliefs because different Christians have different levels of engagement with the faith. For example, if you are someone who tithes, will you be comfortable marrying someone who doesn’t believe in the principle of tithing. If you speak in tongues and you crave for more of God and hunger for more of the experience of the power of the Holy Spirit, will you be comfortable being with someone who has a personal relationship with God but is content with where they are and is not interested in going deeper? These are things to consider.
When it comes to romantic relationships and choosing who to marry and settle down with, I personally believe a Christian marrying a non-Christian is a downright unequally yoked situation. The foundation of their lives and the core from which each individual’s principles flow are not the same and as such, right from the start, there is a lack of correspondence on spiritual fronts. It is like yoking an ox to a horse. This may not be immediately visible, in fact, if they choose, they could be happily married all their lives (perhaps because they have unity in other important life areas e.g. socially, emotionally etc) but there will be a gap that remains unfilled especially in spaces where they both need to unite spiritually. This gap means that a lot of potential has been left to waste. Assuming the Christian married a fellow Christian, there is a higher chance that the gap will be filled and explored probably in ways that allow for the enrichment of each other’s spiritual lives, potentially flowing over to advance God’s kingdom here on Earth and even into eternity.
I also believe that two believing Christians can be unequally yoked even though both parties are spiritually aligned and Jesus is at the centre of their individual lives. It is like having two oxen yoked together who although intend to go in the same direction, can’t seem to find the necessary balance. To avoid frustration, there is a need for congruency in other life areas. Along with their spiritual connection, the couple needs to be able to also connect intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically (in marriage).
