These past couple of years, I have dealt with major instability in my life such that I was pushed to the edge spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. My faith and dependence on God kept me and even that was shaken. I was doing all the "right" things yet nothing seemed to be working. In fact, I felt like I was pulled back on several levels (I still feel that way in some respects but I am treading forward irrespective).
Although I have always believed that I was wholly accepted by the heavenly father, it wasn't long before I started feeling like I wasn't wanted or that there was no place for me especially in church or fellowship settings due to some not so nice experiences. People and places that were meant to be safe had turned out to be spiky, thorny and blood sucking! Literally. I felt numb on the inside. Being hurt by those with whom you thought you were in this Jesus thing together feels like a different kind of betrayal but the truth is none of us is perfect and we are all still being moulded by the potter.
However, there was and still is always that sense of calm and peace. It never seems to go away regardless of whatever life season I am in. I always sensed it but I was ignorant about it. I rested in it; most times, unconsciously but other times, I didn't especially when I was fully aware of a difficulty or problem at hand. Now I know it is the HolySpirit in me; I always knew who the HolySpirit was, I also knew he was in me, I have leant on him for guidance, teaching and many other things. I talk to him every day but for some reason, I never associated this peaceful place in me with him. I am learning to rest in that place.
There is no point chasing nothingness or trying to make or find peace externally when there is a constant peace on the inside of me that I can choose to rest in and radiate outward to the external.
I did everything by faith because my thoughts and feelings were travelling at different tangents to anything positive or life-giving regarding my life circumstances, my relationship with God and how I felt about the church. My relationship with God has always been and still is the core of who I am, everything else revolves around it. So if that shakes, everything else will tremble. I remember praying several times, albeit in varying versions; sometimes calmly and with reverence, other times desperately and frustratingly - "God I love you. I know you love me and I want to believe in your promises for me so badly but I am finding it so difficult. Please help me trust you and your plans for me. Help me heal and move past these hurts".
I am still not sure I know how or what made my attitude change. All I know is each time I made my true feelings known to God and expressed my vulnerability about not knowing what or how to feel, how to trust or handle circumstances, something shifted on the inside. It wasn't until the last quarter of 2017 that things seemed to start to come together again. One of the major pieces of the jigsaw puzzle found its place, providing a bit more clarity and giving way to a couple other minor pieces.
I got to church about a month ago and there was a new song (Yay! I love new songs.) titled Who You Say I am (see below). While singing this song, a fragile piece inside me waiting to be strengthened was touched. There is a part of the song that goes "In my Father's house, there's a place for me". Every single time I sang that part, that fragile piece in me clung to those words and came alive, I allowed myself absorb it as much as I could and it was special being among all these other church people, proclaiming those words. It felt like I was saying "There is a place for me, there is a place for you, there is a place for us in this church family. There is a place for us all to function and be all that God has created us to be in a loving space". I went for worship team night the following Wednesday and the worship leader that night sang the same song again.
It wasn't until about another week when I was home alone that I broke down in tears while humming that part of the song - "In my Father's house, there's a place for me". Words came tumbling out of my mouth as I let God know how I felt. In that moment, that fragile, downtrodden part of me already in agreement with the words of the song collided with waters of healing and gentleness, and finally my feelings started to catch up with faith steps and faith proclamations I had chosen to take, believe and hold on to long before anything began to make sense.
I guess the points to take from this post are:
Rest in the peace of the HolySpirit in you. As believers, we have God's gift of his Spirit in us.
Lean on God rather than pulling away from him when life circumstances don't seem fair or make any sense. The truth is God is always for us, he is never against us and he is always with us too.
No one in church is perfect. God is still working in and through each of us, helping us to become more Christlike.
Be open with God about how you feel even if it is unusual, negative or embarrassing. That's how we grow in our relationship with him because by being open, we give him access to flood our hearts with his love and opportunity to handle that which seems too much for us to bear. The truth is he knows every single one of our thoughts and feelings anyway.
Ask for God to help you in areas where you feel weak (there is a difference between opening or pouring your heart to God and actually asking him for help) Just give everything over to him, he wants us to cast every single one of our cares on him.
You might have to step out in faith first before your feelings catch up and that's okay too.
