I walked into the meeting I had booked online to see the guidance counsellor. He was sat in a chair with a backrest slanted at a wider angle than usual and his demeanour was one that was calm. On seeing me, his eyes gave it away that he probably never had many students like me book in to see him, he was definitely curious about what I had to say and I knew it. I knew guidance counsellors existed in most schools and educational institutions because counselling psychology is my daddy’s field and when I mentioned it to a new acquaintance that I felt like I should go to the counselling and advice centre, she prompted me to go. I was more than halfway through the first year of university but nothing felt right. Nothing really clicked. I was struggling a bit with my work, I struggled to make friends and I seemed to be always confused. I needed explanations on what was happening. I never struggled with work, I never found it difficult to make friends and I usually felt at ease with life. Conditions and circumstances that often threw people my age off rarely affected me yet in this life period it felt like I was floating and gasping for air to breathe.
I was often the tough cookie, confident in my own skin and never really bogged down by anything. My nickname in secondary school (in Nigeria) was “Iron Lady” but it felt like the iron in me was melting. It felt like my mind was far away from where my body was. I just wanted to be fully me again but it didn’t feel like it. I felt like I was disintegrated into several parts – the past and the present with no link bridge connecting both phases. Everything that seemed true to me all changed in a sudden.
I was dealing with a new version of truth that would take time to sink in. “This is not me” I often thought to myself when I caught myself acting or reacting in an opposite manner to how I would normally behave in the face of certain situations, and deep down inside I knew it had little to do with the university environment even if the environment did help magnify it (whatever ‘it’ was). There was a displacement somewhere and it happened before I got to university but this unease I felt seemed to grow every year. I needed some explanation so I could start tackling it and I hoped this inquisitive looking young man could help.
“Ibukun are you listening to me?!” my friend queried on the other end of the line. Her accent – a mix of the Nigerian Yoruba tone and Texan pronunciation. Her rasp voice drew me away from my thoughts and flashbacks of the university guidance counsellor’s office. “I’m listening to you” I retorted. “Ehen, as I was saying, now, we know our parents did it for our good but I am never moving my child from one country to the other.” I knew exactly why she had come to that conclusion, it definitely was not easy being moved in the middle of your teenage years away from all you have known and grown accustomed to. I would liken this to uprooting a tree from its nutritious loamy soil and re-planting it in a clay rich soil. Although both soils are rich, they are very different and although the plant has been designed to flourish in both conditions, it would take some time for it to adjust to its new conditions. The truth is only the tree understands what it is going through; navigating the stickiness of the tightly packed clay which although feels uncomfortable, gives it life and awakens new veins within its stems. But what of the older and previous life-giving veins? What was to happen to them? Were they going to be nourished too? Would they have to die? Can we keep them all (both old and new) alive in a synergy that works?
“You know it is not always difficult” I said. “I met a girl who had to move countries regularly due to the nature of her dad’s job. Moving from country to country never really disconcerted her. Relocating was never a life changing situation for her, it was her normal and she loved it. She had friends from all over the world and had gained these wide-range life experiences which I thought was very admirable. Unlike her, we had grown up in one town, maybe travelled on holidays from time to time but we always returned to our precious little town and suddenly, we relocated to a new country before we could complete our senior secondary school education.” My friend didn’t seem at all convinced. We moved on to other topics but after about three hours of catching up on each other’s lives and talking about our growth and future plans, our call ended but I was not yet done with our initial conversation in my head. I ruminated over the facts I had gathered over the years in my head and I decided that relocation was indeed tough for everyone. It’s never an easy feat for anybody no matter what age to experience a change that affects their culture and identity. However, it is harder as a mid-teenager especially as this is the time you are trying to figure out who you are and establish your identity as an individual.
My back and forth conversation with the counsellor led to us reaching these points:
I relocated to the UK at a critical age.
A lot of changes had occurred in my life within a short period.
I had (still do) a fighting spirit therefore I would be fine.
I needed to take it one step at a time.
Though the counsellor did help me understand what was going on with me and why I felt so befuddled about the quick changes that had happened in my life, it took a while before I started understanding the gravity of it all. I believe it’s too deep to write about and though I feel and sense every angle, centre and circumference of the different emotional troughs and crests I dealt with, I struggle to put these to words so I have decided to break down the most important areas of life and factors that impact teenagers the most and hopefully how they can get through it should they find themselves in a similar situation to the one I found myself in (i.e. should they relocate to a new area/location/environment). I am no more a teenager but I write this for awareness for I know that if I was aware of the ‘what’s and the ‘why’s of the motions I was going through, I would have had more peace within myself and dealt with things differently from a position of knowledge and understanding. I would not have been too hard on myself. I write this piece as I let go of the tail end of a season that was filled with confusion, pain, anxiety, joys, trials, learning, growth, breaking, healing and moulding. If this piece helps only one person then my work is done.
Age: Like I previously mentioned, irrespective of the age at which a person relocates, it is never an easy feat. However, from talking to loads of people I have met, I find that people who relocated between the ages of 14 and 17 seem to find acclimatising a lot more difficult than other age groups. What I find is that the younger a child is, the easier it is for them to adjust. Older people or adults, once they get a job they like or once they are in line towards the profession of their choice are usually less agitated.
Environment: The degree to which a mid-teenager would find it easy to integrate into their new country, state or place of abode would depend on the location in which they are based and usually, they have little or no say in this. It therefore falls on the parents to ensure that their teens are in a setting that is first of all safe. A setting that provides the kids with people of similar mindsets and attributes they are used to, a setting that’s healthy and open minded. I totally understand that this could prove difficult as there is no perfect area. The aim is to get the best possible location that is healthy, diverse and inclusive thus helping the teenager grow wholesomely.
Education: Having to adjust to a new educational system different from the one you are used to is tough especially when it comes to methods of assessment and how questions are to be answered. You see, the girl I spoke of at the beginning of my fourth paragraph, irrespective of what new country her dad’s job brought her to; whether it was in Israel, France or Algeria, she always attended a school that followed the British curriculum which meant that her method of learning was never interrupted or changed abruptly, it was constant in face of her constant movement.
I also find that for teenagers who come from another curriculum, it is often easier if they finish secondary school in their original curriculum before changing over often through a foundation programme that is designed to acknowledge this change in curriculums. For someone like me who relocated just before my final year of secondary school in Nigeria, bathed in the West African educational curriculum with a tutor who had helped me complete the syllabus for the final year exams for most of my subjects, I had a great deal of unlearning, learning and adjustments to make which I wish I never had to deal with but definitely built grit in me. I have learnt that if faced with this kind of situation, the best thing is acknowledge the change, avoid forcing old methods on a new system and allow yourself grow and adjust. Over time you’ll be just fine.
Friendships: Friends are very important to most teenagers. I grew up having awesome friends in my circle. I never had to force it, friends were easily available and accessible but on moving to England it wasn’t easy making new friends. In fact, I didn’t realise how much space my friends occupied in my life until they were not there any longer. Now the spaces they occupied were empty and I felt alone and lonely. If I am to be honest, I often beat myself up for wanting friends. Why did I want friends so badly? why couldn’t I just be? I tried to suppress the sanguine part of myself. Don’t get me wrong. I can do life without people but I believe life is better enjoyed when we have other lovely people around us and I craved for these friendships I once had and the bonds, support and networks they provided me.
I feel like when it comes to making friends in a new environment, a person’s temperament and personality go a long way in determining how things play out. Also, the attitudes of the people among whom you find yourself also play a part which is why as previously mentioned, there is the need to choose a location with open-minded people. My friend with whom I had a phone call with, who sparked this conversation easily made friends when she moved to Texas unlike me who struggled when I moved to London. Although I am an extrovert, it takes a long time for me warm up to people and many people are not patient enough to give you that audience. Plus when you come into a new school in your mid/late teenage years, most people have already formed their caucuses and friendship groups and are not willing to make that effort.
Moreover, relocating in your mid/late teens means you would probably have to change schools often. I will explain – I moved at 15 which meant that I was placed in final year of secondary school in England. I had barely started getting to know the people around me but at the end of the year, it was time to move on to Sixth Form where I spent another two years doing my A-Levels. Just when I thought I was settling in again, it was time for university. It takes a significant amount of time and proximity for the foundation of friendships to form and those necessary factors were not readily available in this kind of scenario. I am still in the process of making new friends.
In all of these things, identity is a big deal and I look back to my experience knowing my faith kept me grounded in myself. Even if the country I lived in had changed, my school had changed, the way I spoke was changing, the food I ate was a bit different, my grades slipped (for a while) etc. God never changed. My relationship with him was my anchor through it all and I am grateful for the grace to know him. And I use this opportunity to pray for people (especially teenagers) who have been forced to migrate for greener pastures due to extreme circumstances like war. It is one thing to choose to migrate to another country, it's another thing to be forced to flee your country due to insurgency. I pray for God's peace, God's love, God's favour and God's presence for them.
Remember what I mentioned about the iron in me melting? I have since learnt that iron in its melted state is just as strong as it is in its solid state. Iron melts with the introduction of heat and change which most times results in it taking a new shape because once cooled, it becomes solid again. Relocating to England provided me with a lot of instability compared to the straightforward, no-hitch life I was familiar with. I learnt that change is mostly difficult but it is an important catalyst for growth, all we need to do is to keep moving forward patiently while applying ourselves, making sure to absorb all the lessons and have all the fun possible that the new life dimension has to offer.
Toodles!
xoxo
xoxo
