Entitled.

Growing up, I was thrust into the spotlight pretty early. At the age of 4, I was singing and dancing before quite large crowds and I was often picked to lead in church, in school and in whatever clubs I was part of. You get invited to join groups and clubs and once you are associated with a knack in a certain area, you keep getting opportunities to develop your skill. Not a bad thing at all. 

Moving to England changed that for me and I would be lying if I say I did not struggle. I was so used to being chosen to help lead teams, lead worship, or help organise whatever event was at hand. I was accustomed to being at the forefront, having a voice in whatever decisions were being made when it came to situations that concerned people within my age group or whatever interests I was pursuing. When this was not the case anymore, it felt like something was missing. I don't think I cared much for being seen, I just liked leading projects and getting work done and because in my sphere, I was almost always automatically considered for leadership, I had become entitled without even realising it. 

In the past ten or so years, I have learnt to fail and to be rejected. I have learnt to be led. I have learnt to be a follower and I have become pretty secure in that space. Now, I am comfortable in the spotlight just as I am comfortable in the shadows. I am happy to lead and I am happy to be led. When leadership opportunities come up these days, I don't see the need to put myself up for them unless:

i) I am led to go for it (and by being led, I mean the HolySpirit leading me to go for an opportunity).

ii) There is a gap and there is no one else available to take charge and help fill it. 

Of course the HolySpirit helped me through this process. I spoke to Him as soon as the strange and pitiful feelings of being denied or feeling left out started surfacing and together we worked on me holding a healthier view on rejection, failure and leadership. Submitting my thoughts, feelings and fears to Him, listening out for His words and guidance and then allowing Him to reconfigure my psychological outlook was the process.

Continuously.

Over and over.

Sanctification. 

I love the joy and contentment I feel.

At the end of the day, leadership is about service and for as long as I have been privileged to lead, service has always been my motivation. I had no wrong motives but an entitlement mentality was there and it needed to be broken.

Privilege easily breeds entitlement and being at a disadvantage easily breeds resentment but when we allow the HolySpirit in, he absorbs entitlements and resentments and places them on the plain ground of humility. 

In all these, I am grateful for growth. I am grateful for God's constant affirming love. I am grateful for the HolySpirit's true friendship and I continue to pray for a teachable spirit. The goal is to be more like Jesus.