Dear friends!
As 2019 draws to a close, the beginning of a new decade nears. Social media is awash with people making conclusions about how the last decade has been for them; comparing pictures from 2009 to current 2019 pictures using #DecadeChallenge, some of the #TwitterMomentOfTheDecade posts have had us laughing all over again at funny viral videos from the past ten years. I ponder on my life in the last decade and the theme that seems to have run through the past ten years of my life is rejection. There have been highs and many lows, I have been happy but I have also been deeply (I would say mostly) sad, life broke my heart while at the same time, mending it. I have also learnt some of my biggest life lessons in these past ten years, so I have decided to write on rejection and its residues:
Rejection is one of life’s realities that everyone on Earth will sooner or later come to experience in some measure. Some people are faced with the reality and sometimes, perpetual existence of rejection, earlier in life than others - a child whose father or mother is not present during their childhood feels rejected and could easily spend their teenagehood and the rest of their adult life nursing wounds that come about as a result of the rejection they feel. Some people have their parents in their lives but don’t feel accepted or loved by them, as such, they grapple with the perceived dismissal and seeming or evidential lack of acknowledgement.
Every individual will first be confronted with the ideas of acceptance and rejection in their home life because our parents and immediate family are usually our first points of contact on entering into this world. By extension, our extended family and family friends tend to have access to us quite early on as well.
However, as we grow and develop mentally, emotionally and physically, the next stages of our lives call for us to step out into the world to experience life with people outside our homes. People who have mainly experienced acceptance and love from their family and close friends may for the first time experience rejection as they interact with peers in school. Some people scale through their primary education, secondary education and maybe even tertiary education without any form of rejection or bullying from peers. From experience, I can tell you that most people, by the time they have spent a few years in university, have experienced rejection; if not from peers, from an internship application, a job application or an opportunity very much wanted.
The older we get, the more we try to branch out into new spaces that interest us and zones outside our comfort, the more prone we are to rejection. Rejection is not necessarily a bad thing, it is part of life. Learning to manage it healthily goes a long way towards one’s personal development and fulfillment.
God’s Acceptance
God loves humanity. God loves you. God loves me.
Unfortunately, man fell and sin cast a shadow on the beautiful relationship God had with man, still God chases after us. The whole bible is an account of God making efforts to draw near to us so we can draw near to him. Unfortunately, many of us do not even pay attention to his gentle promptings - “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me (Revelations 3:20).” God doesn’t force his way into our lives, he waits patiently for us to sense his promptings, he waits until we are ready to allow him in.
God loves us so much, he died in our stead and one of the surest things is that he always accepts us and he will always accept us. An old song describes it so well - Nothing you can do could make him love you more, and nothing you have done could make him close the door.
Before man sinned, God loved us.
Scripture says we are created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). The first man and woman experienced God’s love in the beautiful garden of Eden where they had all they needed and a God who cherished his relationship with them.
When man sinned, God loved us.
And the Lord God made for Adam and his wife garments of skins and clothed them (Genesis 3:21). God made sure to cover Adam and Eve’s nakedness, giving them some protection and comfort even though he was still to be separated from them due to their new sin nature.
Living in sin, God loves us.
God proves his love for us in this: while were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
When we reconnect with the Father, He loves us.
Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12).
Even when we slip up from time to time, He still loves us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).
Unfortunately, the wrong ideas that we have to be perfect before we come to God and that Christians must be/are perfect is what is widely known and propagated. Those are lies. Firstly, God wants us to come to him and open up our hearts to him just as we are, plus no Christian is perfect. Christians are people who have simply allowed God into their hearts and (hopefully) choose to daily grow in relationship with him.
In Hebrews 4:16, we are admonished to approach God’s throne of grace boldly, especially when we need grace and mercy. This means that even when we have done something wrong and in need of mercy, God wants us to approach him boldly.
The freeing truth is that God accepts us. He loves us just as we are and even if nobody on Earth wants us, God wants us. This is the best starting point in any conversation on rejection.
God loves us, God wants us, God is for us, God accepts us.
God loves you, God wants you, God is for you, God accepts you.
God loves me, God wants me, God is for me, God accepts me.
Even with people and spaces where we are thoroughly accepted, our starting point should be God’s acceptance, such that in everything we do and anywhere we find ourselves, we know that our heavenly father accepts us, hence we act and make moves from a place of acceptance and not for acceptance.
Why Do People Reject Others?
They just don’t want you… and honestly, there is no problem with this. As individuals, we gravitate towards certain people and pull away from others. Our likes, dislikes, personality traits, personality types, unique quirks and many more factors usually come to play when it comes to us deciding on whether to accept a person and allow them a little more into our spaces or whether to gently keep them at bay. The same also comes to play when other people try to decipher whether or not they want us close to them or not. There is no need to take things personally when a person you admire does not seem to have the same interest in you. I am pretty sure there have been people who really like you that you have not taken to as well.
They are insecure and intimidated. I learnt during my university and industrial placement years that many people get intimidated by others very easily. A lot of people allow their insecurities to consume them in such a manner that they are not confident in themselves. They are easily intimidated by what other people have, which they believe is lacking in their own lives; it could be a skill, beauty, a personal feature, possessions etc. They assume you will reject them so they immediately reject you.
They know you will not compromise. Some people are into dodgy activities which you may most likely not be aware of. Because they already know what your stance will be on their habits and doings, they choose not to include you in their cliques or invite you to any of their circles or events. A good kind of rejection, if you ask me.
You are not a good fit for them. An application for a position or an opportunity may be denied because whoever is at the helm of affairs with the authority to choose, believes you to not be a good fit for what they may be offering. This may or may not be true - I have seen people whose teachers told them they could not practise certain professions, go on to excel in those same professions. At the same time, there have been people, who having practically experienced an opportunity desperately sought after, decide it is not for them. There are those for whom it is a timing issue, for example, Moses had the passion to provide freedom for his kinsmen. In his premature move to stand up for the Israelites, he ended up killing an Egyptian, he had to run away from Egypt to escape punishment from Pharaoh. It was his destiny to lead the Israelites out of slavery but it was not yet time. We all know how well that ended, once God decided it was time 40 years later.
They are small-minded. There are people whose acceptance of others is dependent on what is popular in society, their fragile egos and general worldly standards. I find that a huge part of these people’s self-esteem is based on their social circle. They will often look down on people they believe not to be good enough, popular enough or rich enough for them.
How Rejection Occurs
I believe there are two types of rejection - outright rejection and subtle rejection. Rejection is outright when whoever is doing the rejection makes their intentions clear, either through words or signs to show that a person is not accepted or wanted in a particular setting or situation. A rejection letter from a job or university application is outright. A person who bullies or picks on another person sends them an outright message that they are not wanted or accepted in a given space. With outright rejection, you know exactly where you stand. You know you are being rejected.
Subtle rejection is more indirect and requires whoever is being rejected to read in between the lines. I think this is more common in informal relationships. The cues and the feedback we get from acquaintances, friends, colleagues and people we generally do day to day life with tell us where we stand in their lives, so also, the feedback they get from us gives them clues as to where they stand in our lives. When you are not invited to their events, they do not check up on you from time to time, they rarely reply to your messages, rarely honour your invitations and overall, their communication with you and actions towards you are inconsistent, distant and/or are negative; these are signs of subtle rejection.
Every relationship, friendship, allyship, acquaintanceship etc. is unique and levels of closeness differ per relationship, per friendship, per acquaintanceship etc. Jesus had many followers out of which was a distinct 70 (Luke 10:1), there were the 12 disciples who were closer to him and there were three who were closest to him: Peter, James and John. We cannot be close to everyone and not everyone can be close to us, however, we are called to love people.
Irrespective of whether people are in our inner circles or not, we are to love them, show kindness to them and make sure the fruits of the Spirit are evident in our daily dealings with everyone we cross paths with. This way, every single person we come in contact with feels accepted and loved. We should also gracefully and truthfully let people know where they stand in our lives while also clearly communicating that we value and love them. Maya Angelou said it best - “I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I am a very straight-forward person so I let people know where they stand in my life and more importantly, I try to make sure I am gracious to everyone I come in contact with. Whilst rejection may sometimes be painful, I mostly deal with it from an outright position and I expect that other people will be outright with me too - I do not mind you rejecting me but at least, let me know you are rejecting me so I know where to position myself especially so I do not invest heavily where I am not wanted or valued.
When I think back on my life, especially my university experience at Sheffield, the most painful rejections I experienced were the subtle ones. I did not pick up the signs people were giving me to let me know that I was not wanted in their spaces. The inconsistencies were glaring and the negative energies were palpable but I had never experienced these things before, so it took me a while to figure out I was being rejected. I have learnt that a lot of people are not bold enough to let other people know where they stand in their lives and some want benefits they can gain from being close to you, without any form of commitment or loyalty so one has to read in between the lines and be discerning.
Acceptance is very loud. When you are accepted, you feel welcomed, you feel loved, you feel well looked after. Anything less than this could be hinting at the possibility of being rejected. So when in a situation where it is not clear whether you are accepted or wanted, I suggest you ask yourself the following questions:
(i) Do I feel welcomed?
(ii) Do I feel loved?
(iii) Am I well looked after?
Your answers should give you an idea of how much the other person(s) values you. The ball is now in your court to act as it fits.
The Place of Privilege
It will be naive to discuss rejection and not talk about how privilege can influence whether a person is rejected or accepted; this is one of life’s unfair realities. Recently, I learnt about pretty privilege - apparently, the prettier or more beautiful a person is, the more likely it is that people (mostly through unconscious bias) will be nicer to them. A person that is privileged with wealth may hardly face rejection finding people to be friends with (although they may have to figure out who really is their friend and who is not), an intellectually privileged person may easily pass the psychometric interview test that many people struggle with and go on to get a highly placed job with ease, a good looking person will most likely find interested suitors with more ease than the average person.
Nonetheless, it is high time we were aware that being connected to the God of the universe, the one who created it all, is the greatest privilege of all because at the right time, God will take us exactly where we need to be, he will take us where we will flourish and prosper, he will lead us to the right places and connect us to the right people. All we need to do is trust him, obey him and hand over our lives to him for guidance (easier said than done). With God, whatever disadvantages we have automatically become advantages that work for our good because God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise (1 Corinthians 1:27). We are in the world, but as the bible tells us, we are not of this world, therefore we do not measure ourselves by the standards of this world. We live by heavenly standards and stand on God’s word as ambassadors of Christ that we are.
Loss & Rejection
Loss and rejection are very much intertwined. Loss often leads to feelings of rejection and a person who has been rejected often feels like they have lost something tangible: a person who loses their job will most likely feel rejected by their company, a person who has been excluded or rejected from a certain social circle may feel like they have lost out on potential friendships or relationships. It is hard to be rejected and not be at a loss at the same time, in some way, shape or manner and vice versa.
It is very easy for us to feel rejected by God when we face any form of loss but it is important to remember that we live in a fallen world where loss and death are inevitable; we pray against untimely deaths. Through it all, our God is sovereign. He sees all things, he knows all things and he has our best interests at heart; this we can trust!
The beauty in this is that new life is often born out of death as clearly explained in John 12:24: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. Our God exemplified this through his experience on the cross; Jesus conquered death by death so we can have access to a new life in Christ that is abundant and eternal.
Please know that for every area in your life where you have experienced loss, there is potential for new birth and new life. Talk to God about it and make sure to wait on him regarding what next steps to take, allow his peace fill you, let him massage your broken heart with his balm and let him nurse you back to health and wholeness. Life is eternal but we only spend a few days on this earth, David describes the days we spend on this planet as a shadow that disappears. The good news is a new heaven and a new earth await us where there will be no more loss, death or pain; this is our greatest joy and consolation.
Rejection Residues
Rejection, like any other unpleasant life experience, leaves a bad taste in the mouth. To healthily manage rejection, I believe it is necessary to be aware of the residues rejection may produce :
Validation Seeking: There is a tendency for a person who has been rejected to want to prove that they are worth the acceptance of their rejecter and therefore continue to seek validation. There is also the allure of them jumping at any form of acceptance (good or bad). This rarely ends well and as far as I am concerned, it is like going down a rabbit hole.
Isolation: When rejection is experienced over and over again (especially in a social sense), the natural human reaction is to withdraw and isolate oneself from other people.
Fear & Cautiousness: The more rejection is experienced, the harder it is to approach people and initiate friendships because previous negative experiences can induce fear and remind us of the possibility of being rejected again.
Reluctance to be Inclusive: Rejected people can easily fall into the cycle of rejecting other people, preventing them from getting close. In the process, they drive people who can be of help to them far away.
Bitterness: Rejection hurts and can hurt even more when it is about an opportunity very much wanted and longed for or an opportunity long waited for. This hurt can lead to hatred or anger towards others or even towards oneself which can lead to bitterness if not properly managed.
Rejection often leads to disappointment which even the bible acknowledges can be disheartening - “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life (Proverbs 13:12)”. Life happens to every single one of us but even the most devastating of circumstances can yield fruit. It is of essence that we make the most of whatever circumstances come our way, even the seemingly negative ones - we sift through and hold on to the good parts while dropping the negative bits. Some people have been through very horrible circumstances, yet they are in a much better place today but some people have also been through similar circumstances but they are still stuck with bitterness and filled with resentment.
Blessings That Accompany Rejection
Re-Orientation. Sometimes we want certain things so much that we start defining ourselves by them, but who we are is not defined by what we have or what we do not have, we are not defined by who is in our lives or what opportunities we get. We are who God says we are. Rejection can sometimes send a jolt down our spines that cause us to re-align our priorities and remind us that our identity is first in Christ Jesus.
Redirection. We human beings can at times be narrow-minded. We want what we want when we want it, but sometimes, what we want is not for us; it is smaller than what God has in store for us; it is meant to be temporary and not permanent etc. Rejection many times helps us to be re-directed towards opportunities that favour us and are aligned with destiny. There is a whole world out there outside of our peripheral vision. God has the bird’s eye view so we cant trust him when he orchestrates rejections that point us in the direction of where we are meant to go.
Humility. There is something about being rejected that humbles a person. And you will agree with me that we need to be humbled from time to time because the world does not revolve around us.
Empathy. It is very easy to dismiss other people’s struggles until we have experienced similar situations. It is easier to be empathetic with people who feel rejected and maligned by society when we have experienced rejection.
Charles Swindoll says “ Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.” I agree. Now, this does not mean that we pretend that everything is fine and dandy when it is not. We are to own our experiences, feel them, acknowledge them and live the length, breadth and width of them, but we do not allow our experiences to control us. We submit them at the feet of Jesus. God is ready to walk with us through the fire if we let him. The good news is that he understands all that we go through for we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathise with our weaknesses, he faced the same tests we face, yet he did not sin (Hebrews 4:15). Let us cast all our cares on Jesus; including all rejections and any disappointments they may have produced because Jesus cares for us.
How Jesus Handled Rejection
Jesus dealt with rejection throughout his days here on earth and this is made very clear in scripture:
He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care (Isaiah 53:3).
He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognise him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him, But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:10-12).
We see Jesus distinctly rejected when he visits his hometown, Nazareth. The people who had seen him grow up, who he considered to be his closest friends and family could not accept that he was operating in such a capacity even though reports of all he had been doing had spread through the whole region. They kept asking “Is this not Joseph’s son? How can this be?”, they found it hard to accept him for who he was and at some point, they unsuccessfully attempted to push him over a cliff.
Jesus acknowledged that his townsfolk were rejecting him. In fact, he mentioned it to their faces, citing examples of previous prophets in Israel that were never accepted in their own hometowns and then he left. How interesting! The bible says “He simply went on his way.”
From this example, I learn that when rejection happens,
(i) we are to acknowledge it for what it is
and
(ii) simply move on
This is easier said than done but definitely not impossible. Jesus did not try to convince these people about who he was so they could accept him, he simply moved on.
Who / What has your Attention?
There is a correlation between what / who we direct our attention to and where we seek acceptance, for example, If you spend a lot of time on social media, you can easily become obsessed with getting likes on your posts. The more you direct your attention to thinking about the person you have a crush on, the more infatuated you get and the likelier it is that you will try to get them to notice you.
The key is to focus on things that bring value to us and pay attention to people that hold us in high esteem. At this point, for me, this will mean that I focus on my relationship with God, my family, budding friendships as well as my career and personal projects. Since God is the surest person to be accepting of us at all times, I say we direct a whole lot of attention and energy towards him.
My Confession
Thank you Lord because you love me
Thank you because you are for me
Thank you because you fight my battles for me
Before the foundations of the world, you chose me
Even now, you choose me
And thank you because you will always choose me
Thank you Lord for accepting me as I am
My Conclusion
If I were to summarise everything I have written so far on rejection, it will be this:
(i) There is always acceptance with God.
(ii) Go where you are wanted.
(iii) Go where you are celebrated.
As you can probably tell from some of my posts, Writing is one of the ways I shed old skin and say my goodbyes to past experiences, with the hope that I allow the invaluable bits cling to me while letting go of any unnecessary weight. This is my way of saying goodbye to this decade. I am grateful for everything - the good, the bad, the ugly, especially the lessons.
Happy New Year Folks!!
I wish you a prosperous 2020 and beyond!
xoxo
