Turning Twenty
I cannot remember how my twentieth birthday went. I remember that not too long after, I moved to Leeds to live, in preparation for my industrial placement year which would be starting the following month.
I was not so happy at university. I was doing all the right things yet, something felt off; something felt wrong, and that was one of the main reasons I fervently applied for industrial placement opportunities. I needed to get out of the university environment to somewhere fresh and different.
During my placement year, I realised I felt disjointed and was not fully myself. I did not have words for it then, but now I know that for lack of understanding, I had unknowingly been around people who sowed seeds of rejection and seeds of insecurity in my heart, such that I battled with fear of rejection, insecurity, fear of failure and depression (all of these coupled by the fact that I was still adjusting to living in England).
Like I told a friend recently, there were too many unknowns; just too many unknown factors. How do you know where to place your feet if the history of the land, environment and people are foreign to you, plus there's little guidance and help like you are used to. I had spent my first 14 years gathering information on how to live with a lot of support and in an environment where many had already gone before me, but here in this faraway land, the rules had changed; the people were different and I was struggling to keep up.
Picking Up on Cues…
I don't stay in spaces that are not favourable to me. I learnt very early to only stay where I am liked, wanted and loved. I remember my first day of sixth-form in England, during orientation, a girl in my group made it very clear through her actions that she did not want me anywhere near her (she was a black girl, so it was not a racist incident), I picked up her direct non-verbal cues and gave her some space while making sure to take part in the activities the school had put together for us.
I never took it personally. I picked up on the cues, acted accordingly and continued to give her space while respecting myself whenever we were in any groups or school activities together. By the middle of sixth form, she started saying hello to me, and I always responded to her, but I still had my boundaries in place. A few months ago, she requested to be friends on Snapchat and Instagram, but I politely declined. I tell this story to show that I never was one to seek acceptance where I was not wanted.
However, for some reason, in those years at university, I was not picking up the necessary cues from the people I was around. This was a different type of rejection (I call it passive rejection and wrote about it here), there were subtle jabs and slow poisonous actions covered with faux friendliness. It was a very confusing period. By the time I realised what was happening, seeds of rejection and insecurity had been sowed in my heart such that I was starting to get a little anxious and was slipping into depression. My usual confident, bubbly self was starting to die and give way to a more melancholic, cynical and sceptical version of myself.
The Massage
I turned 21 towards the end of my placement year and booked myself a Thai massage to celebrate. I still think of that massage, it was a good massage. Placement year was a success; even though I did not feel like this warfare in my mind was completely healed, I was starting to feel at peace again, I could see patterns through which God was speaking to me, and I had also been offered an opportunity to take on one of the company's projects as my final year project.
Tragedy Struck
Back to uni, I went. I lived by myself this time; coincidentally, my room door was door 21; It felt like fate. I had minimal interactions with people and focussed on acing my final year... then tragedy struck!
In the first week of December 2014, I experienced what I can only describe as intense spiritual warfare that shook up my world and almost cost me my life. It is only by God's grace that I am alive and well.
My faith was rocked to the core! Nothing was holding me together anymore. I felt like jelly.
The majority of my twenties was spent recovering from this incident as I fell even deeper into depression and life seemed to become even more bleak. I often say that I cannot remember what happened between 21 and 25; that period was a blur which felt like one year altogether. I spent the majority of my twenties uprooting stubborn weeds from my heart and becoming emotionally and mentally stable again. It was not a fun period. I wrestled with God a lot.
God & I Through the Years
The testimony of my childhood is that God revealed Himself to me early.
The testimony of my tween years is that He taught me to be inclusive; to talk to everyone, include everyone and seek out the least liked/wanted person wherever I am and make them feel at home. I generally got along with and was kind to everyone but now and again, I would have a ‘You can’t sit with us’ attitude. The HolySpirit was always like “Nuh-uh! We don’t do that here!”
The testimony of my teenage years is that I wanted to do many crazy/rebellious things (and I had the courage to do them), but I loved God too much, so I chose His will. To be honest, sometimes I still wonder if that one was worth it because omo... (it is well).
The testimony of my twenties is that I had the privilege of experiencing the gift of suffering (I don’t have much to say about this yet because I am still processing it).
Life and its Troubles
I never expected life to unfold without ups and downs. I mean, there is bound to be some conflict or one or two challenges. Life was not a bed of roses and I knew it. Even in the Bible, people always had a challenge or the other through which God showed His acts, His power, and character, bringing them deliverance and victory; whether this victory and deliverance feel or look like victory to our limited human senses is another conversation.
I circumspectly expected that there would be life challenges, what I did not expect was that I would need to navigate life's ups and downs without a healthy community like I had grown up experiencing (up until age 14). I never also thought that I would feel like God had deserted me in the middle of my challenges. I believe my 20s were particularly hard, not just because of the challenges, but because I felt alone through it all.
I have had to dig deep by myself and cultivate trust and faith in dark places. My ideas of who God is and my relationship with Him have been seriously tested and I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing of value in this world; our walk on this earth is all about God's presence. It is about being in His presence, that's what is valuable! Thankfully, He never leaves and when we think He is far from us, He is actually closest to us.
Analysing my Twenties
As much as I want to be positive and write great things in this post, the truth is I feel like my 20s were wasted years. Let me explain:
22
I concluded university.
22-23
I took a gap year immediately after. The incident that had happened had taken a lot out of me such that mentally and emotionally, I needed recovery. Thankfully, my parents were supportive. I planned to learn how to sew but I never did. I generally lazed around and took walks in and around central London in the evenings. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to be unserious.
23-24
I had been so chilled during my gap year, that I forgot to apply for jobs. There was not much motivation anyway. Maybe it was easy for my usual high-achieving self to forget since I spent a good chunk of the year prior brooding over what was lost and how it would be somewhat harder than normal to get a decent job since my grade was out of the usual boundary of what companies desire from the graduate students they hire. It was so painful. Before the attack occurred, I had already begun applications and was thinking of seeking opportunities abroad. I was going to work at one of the Big 4, or an engineering/tech company similar to where I did my placement year; I had considered becoming an au pair in Paris to improve my French or teaching English in Thailand. I also considered doing NYSC.
In the middle of my questions and wrestling with God, I asked what to do (because who else did I have to provide me with answers?). I felt like God was saying I should press in and continue to apply for aerospace and aviation jobs. What else was there to do? I started applying for jobs and kept receiving rejection after rejection. Each time I would check and lean in, in my spirit to see if I heard right, I would sense that I was meant to keep applying, so I continued the applications, targeting aerospace and aviation firms.
A couple of months after I turned 23, My aunty who was visiting us one late evening mentioned that she needed a receptionist at work. She looked up at me with some sort of epiphany; “Would you like to work as a receptionist?” It was an easy ‘yes’, at least I would have something to do while sending out applications and attending interviews. So, I worked as my aunt’s receptionist until around my 24th birthday. A month or so before that, I had received an offer to begin as an aviation analyst in a boutique aviation firm in Surrey.
This was a miracle in and of itself that confirmed to me that I was indeed hearing God right (I felt crazy at times); getting this opportunity confirmed that God could open any doors despite any barriers because somehow in the recruitment process, the grade requirements were bypassed for me ( I knew God could open even the tightest of doors, but I had faced so much opposition in the last few years such that my belief and hope were hanging by a thread); getting the opportunity also confirmed that I was meant to pursue my career within the aviation industry (I have been getting hints about this since I was young).
Even though I was grateful and finally relieved to be officially starting my career, I could not shake off regret from the fact that 2 years had seemingly been lost, along with all I had hoped to achieve in them.
24-27
I worked as an aviation analyst. I grew and deepened my skills professionally, I travelled to Australia for the Hillsong Creatives Conference. I wrestled with God and prayed a lot in the fields of Leatherhead. I did the Daniel Fast throughout 2018, as I asked God to heal me of my brokenness and just help me through the hurt, pain and depression that seemed to take over my body and soul. I always had 100% trust in God, but I battled with doubt throughout my 20s. I did not doubt His existence, I have had way too many personal encounters and experiences with the Father since I was a child. I know He is real. What I did doubt was how much I could trust Him.
I felt like God had betrayed my trust in Him. Somehow my life felt out of control even though I had handed the reins of my life to Him. Even through first year and particularly second year of uni when He seemed far away, through my confusion and scepticism, I drew even closer to Him. I knew He could have protected me from the craziness that was my final year of university, but for some reason, He chose not to. It did not seem fair. I have always listened to Him and chosen His way even when it was difficult because I truly love Him and always want to put Him first in everything I do. So why did He not warn me or say something to help me make wiser decisions especially when I was listening out so hard for His voice and leading? Somehow, it seemed obedience had led me to devastation. I was not expecting this.
27-28
I began and completed my master’s degree. It was right in the middle of the pandemic so the majority of my studies was done from the corner of my room. This was a good period – I slept, studied and ate. That’s all I did. I believe I experienced a restoration of peace in this period.
28-29
I completed my master’s degree successfully. Thank God! (Also, thank you to Wumi and Fran who joined me in prayer. During that period, praying for one another was great!! I would say we got all we requested; with the majority of what we prayed for already in hand, as we remain expectant for the manifestation of the things we still wait for. Indeed, God is faithful!)
The aviation industry was grossly impacted by the pandemic and there was not much hiring going on. Not to worry anyway, I had planned to switch over to tech so I applied mainly for tech roles, with some aviation roles on the side. I would get to the last phases of interviews only to not be selected. This happened over and over again and when feedback was given, it was usually along the lines of “You did nothing wrong, we had to make a choice and decided to go for the other person.” I was tired so I went to God to check that I was acting in line with His plans for me. I felt like I heard ‘babysitting’, I knew I was meant to keep applying while babysitting until I got something secured.
Not too long after signing up as a babysitter on childcare.co.uk, a lady contacted me because her au pair had left in the middle of the pandemic and they needed someone not too far from them who could temporarily fill the role. It was a good good fit. It had been a long time since I gelled well with people in that way. It is such a blessing to be around people with whom you are on the same wavelength spiritually, mentally, character-wise etc. I remember telling Tosin when I met her that I would probably help out with the twins for about three months because I was going to get a job soon. It is hilarious now because it took me almost a whole year before I got my job and I ended up working with this family during that period. The kids and I had the best time doing learning activities and having fun. The family remains my friend. I pray for more divine friendship connections like this.
29
I accepted the offer to a graduate scheme within the aviation logistics industry because I believe this is where God led me. I have been in this role for over a year now, the scheme will be coming to an end soon (and successfully, God willing!), I know in my heart of hearts that right now, this is where I am meant to be. Oh, to be in the middle of God’s will for my life; that is my prayer always.
I also cannot help but see this opportunity as a restorative one. Remember how I could not get into the graduate schemes post my undergraduate degree due to the circumstances at the time? Now, I get to do a graduate scheme!
Aren’t my 20s meant to be my prime?
“Aren’t my 20s meant to be my prime?” – This was a thought that ran through my mind, especially in my late 20s. This was when I was meant to be fit, bustling with energy, travelling and executing some of these ideas that swirl in my head. Instead, I had spent a good chunk of my 20s uprooting stubborn weeds from the soil of my heart, dealing with any PTSD from rejection, coming out of depression, putting one step after the other, picking up the pieces of my life and ultimately recovering from a spiritual attack. I was running at full speed when an arrow was shot at me; all my ducks were in a row, and I was looking forward to experiencing new possibilities and realising the potential on the inside of me. I felt exceedingly slowed down. Where was God in all of this?
I tweeted through my 20s. As much as I wish I kept the crazy emotional and mental rollercoaster moments of this period to myself and not shared these deeply personal experiences and thoughts with my random one hundred and something followers (at the time) most of whom I did not know personally, I honestly think Twitter played a role in my growth in my 20s and at certain points was pivotal to my healing process as I proceeded to share, share, share… sometimes I cringe at the fact that some people who do not deserve to know me that much probably know more about me than they should… at least, they knew me in that phase.
Right now, I am off Twitter, I have also reduced my followers drastically by soft-blocking some people. I like Twitter a lot and I enjoy tweeting in my closed account, but I do not want to do what I did through my 20s on Twitter ever again. I plan to return to tweeting when I have reached a place of wholeness. I want to tweet like I used to tweet when I originally joined in the autumn of 2011 when I was not broken by life and people.
Resentment
A good chunk of my 20s was spent resenting that my family moved to England when I was a mid-teenager. I had plans where I was coming from – I was going to study Computer Mathematics at Obafemi Awolowo University (OAU) in Ile-Ife where I grew up or Computer Science at Covenant University, the university of the church I had attended since I was 4+ years old. I do remember my dad mentioning that he would like me to study at Legon in Ghana; I never really considered it much at the time, to be honest, but it was certainly a possibility.
I already struggled to integrate into British society so when this final year incident happened, I was convinced I should have not relocated with my family. The way I saw it, if I had attended OAU or Covenant, I would have easily been around like-minded people and had a healthy community around me; it is highly unlikely that I would have experienced the depression and spiritual warfare I faced and even if I did, there would be a support system around me. Even in all these musings, I trust God with my whole life and know that if He allowed these things, there must be a purpose I do not yet know or understand.
Connect Groups
One thing that was consistent through my 20s was that I was always in a connect group. Every two to three years, the groups will dissolve as life would rearrange everyone's lives. I guess because we were mostly in our 20s, there was a lot of movement - travelling, marriage, moving countries, work changes, location changes etc.
I am grateful for Ronika's bible study sisterhood connect group in Putney where we studied Beth Moore's Breaking Free bible study, Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages (Singles Edition) and The Scazzero's Emotionally Healthy Woman. The girls in this group had been meeting for a year plus before I joined, they already had friendships and a rhythm going on when I joined, yet they were so welcoming and gracious towards me. It was the first connect group I joined post-uni. Meeting with these girls consistently for two years-ish helped reverse some of the negativities I had unknowingly absorbed.
The Connect Group at Greenwich Peninsula was a short stint - like 6 months. I cannot remember much but I know we studied the bible itself.
Keji's game's connect group was great! We would play games and say a short prayer at the end. I remember a game of charades where I laughed like I had not laughed in years. Thank you Keji for inviting me to your Bermondsey connect group.
Caroline's connect group was where all the dots connected for me. We studied the Book of Galatians together in Greenwich, used bible study outlines provided by the church and did the pandemic together using Propel Women's resources as the basis for our discussions. Meeting with these girls weekly was one of the highlights of the 2020 pandemic for me. Our virtual bible studies brought me so much life. I cannot explain it but in Caroline's group, I felt like I could truly let down my guard and be myself, I also started being less sceptical of people and healed a lot internally. I am grateful to God for leading me to this group (the night a girl connected me to the girl who connected me to Caroline (I know!), I did not want to attend the sisterhood evening event at church, but I got so restless that I stood up, got dressed and made my way to church. I sat at the very back but the girl who sat in front of me would not leave me be until she could connect me with someone who could help me get settled in a connect group).
Mrs. Ogunnowo
My lovely family friend, Mrs Ogunnowo whom I have known all my life visited England. I was thrilled and went to spend some time with her. She taught me new knitting patterns and when I told her about how I did not really enjoy living in England much and sometimes wished we did not relocate, she said something along the lines of “Ibukun, you know I did not like Ile-Ife too when I first moved and even till now, I am not so sure I like it.” She was part of the set of Nigerian doctors, nurses and professionals who settled in Ife mainly for employment reasons post-independence. Mrs Ogunnowo and her husband, Dr. Ogunnowo (or Olanrewaju Phillips, as he preferred to be referred to in later years) were also among the many Christians who fought so many spiritual battles, so that the gospel of Jesus Christ could gain ground in Ile-Ife. They are truly respected within the Ile-Ife Christian community and are respectable models of the faith.
By the time my parents’ generation moved into Ife during/post their university education and NYSC, the foundation of faith had been laid. There was generally a supportive healthy community and loads of resources for people to be discipled and grow in their faith (I have come to realise that this is not common). There were children, tween and teen clubs, bible study groups and summer activities for tweens and teenagers. Education, Faith and Fun all mixed well and growing up within that community, you never felt you had to choose one or two and forfeit some elements that were not ‘cool’. Faith, Education and Fun were not mutually exclusive like I have seen internalised in kids from some other environments.
In the manner that older people expect you to be smart and draw out the points being made and come to your own conclusions, darling Mrs. Ogunnowo did not complete the story. She did not have to… Growing up, I had been a beneficiary of healthy systems and processes put in place within our community by people who came before me, who often had to fight together in prayer and with praise to achieve these things. Life was easier for me and my contemporaries because the people who came before us laid a very good foundation and had perhaps built a good chunk of the building. Moving to England perhaps gives me the opportunity to help lay a solid foundation of faith for those who may come after me. When Mrs. Ogunnowo was done pouring some of her wisdom into me, I reached a place of understanding that brought a peace I had not felt in a long time. God bless her soul.
Looking Forward to My Thirties
When I speak to God about my 30s, two words seem to be recurring – Community and Education. I am still pondering what these words mean. I have an idea but I am not so sure, I leave it all in God’s hands and trust that things will unfold as they should as I continue (by His grace) to walk according to His will.
I have struggled to make friends in England but that tide seems to be turning as I have started to meet people who seem to like me and genuinely seem interested in being my friend. I pray for God-loving people (and I mean people who are chasing after Jesus with all of their hearts; who are submitted to Him as their Lord), educated people and fun-loving people for friendships in my thirties.
I truly believe community is the bedrock of society through which sustainable wealth, impact and legacy are made. I pray I am graced to run a Christian Women’s Club.
I pray for ease in my thirties.
I pray for the restoration of stolen years.
I pray that I thrive with style in my thirties.
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