It was late summer in 2017; I was making my way to my new job – my first job post-university – when I thought I heard the HolySpirit say to me: “You will be here for three years.” You see, at that point in my life, everything was as chaotic as it could be. God had been silent for a long time (at least in the way I was used to Him speaking to me), but I was also starting to figure out new ways through which He was speaking to and with me.
I had learnt the hard way that God could speak to me through numerous methods and not just the way I was accustomed to Him speaking…well, theoretically, I knew that, but forgetting/overlooking this theory had cost me a lot in real life; impressions from the inner witness and words dropping in my spirit from God’s Spirit were the major ways through which I heard Him and had been led by Him for a long time, even way before I understood it was Him. The wounds were still fresh, and a lot seemed unfair. My second year to final year of university had been filled with a lot of spiritual warfare which I believe could have been very easily avoided; if only God had spoken to me the way I was used to Him speaking; if only I asked for help to decipher the situation instead of trying to be Miss Independent *sigh*.
I took a gap year post-university to recuperate from the wahala I had found myself in. I was deeply hurt, broken, confused, upset with God and generally angry at life. I felt I had done everything right with nothing to show for it. I was far from the grades I had long worked hard towards getting, God felt far away, I had no friends and everything in and around me felt like thick darkness and gloominess. In the middle of this sorry state, I barely applied for jobs, so I had nothing in line for the following year, and I had barely learnt how to sew as I planned to during the gap year. Life had hit me so hard, my usually scheduled and planned self was discombobulated. I ended up working as my aunt’s receptionist after my gap year ended, while at the same time applying for jobs.
Even in the middle of all of this, I was determined to figure out what God’s will was. After all, the horrible situation I found myself in may have happened because I was unknowingly out of God’s will; sometimes however, it feels as if God allowed these things to happen. I honestly do not know. I have pondered and pondered … was it a mistake on my part; did God allow it; was it both?
When I think of the decision I speak of, which was a huge cost to me, I realised recently that I did not necessarily rush into it, I allowed myself to be rushed into making the decision. It still hurts. If only I was wiser and had a more mature sense of discernment – I did not possess the maturity required, and understandably so. I was an 18-year-old navigating new terrains – a country I had migrated to at 15 where I still somewhat struggled to feel like I belonged; trying to understand methods in language and nuances in communication that were new to me; trying to find spirit-filled, like-minded people (after all, the Christian life should be done in community) etc. There were so many new and unknown factors to take into consideration in the middle of making critical decisions and marking major life milestones.
During this period, God was mostly silent. It was a period of personal anguish, I was so confused, and there seemed to be no guidance. I do not think I could have made the right decision on my own, I needed some guidance. The people I would normally have spoken to were far away in the country I had left behind. If I could do it all again, I would call my mum for guidance.
When I sensed what I thought God was telling me as I made my way from Leatherhead train station to my new place of work, I was not sure – was this the HolySpirit, or were those words from my own mind? I filed those words in a section of my mind, to be continuously reviewed until I was sure. I was determined to take the time to make sure it was Him speaking – No longer would I rush or allow myself to be rushed into making decisions without full confirmation. I will tarry and wait for as long as needed. I have never really been in a hurry anyway; I am very happy to do things at God’s pace.
So I began, as expressed in my post, Leatherhead, the journey and pressing into deepening and clarifying what it meant to hear from God and wait on God. I recently read a book in which the author said believers must learn to hear from God and wait on God. These are two different things. During the period when I felt God was silent, I should have stayed still and waited until I heard His leading before making any decisions or allowing myself to be rushed into making any decision. In practicing this, I have found out that many times, in the waiting, the situation simply resolves itself over time without me having to do anything or I will get a clear response giving me the answer, other times, it is a series of steps unravelled over a period of time such that sometimes, it is only in hindsight that I realise my prayers and questions have been answered.
At the end of the day, it is about being in His presence and remaining there. That’s where all the answers are. That’s where peace is and that’s where God is. God can choose to be silent or not reveal answers quickly for reasons best known to Him, according to His divine will. The thing to do is to press in, to wait until He reveals Himself – this in itself is part of divine guidance. Better to take my time going in the right direction than rush at full speed down the wrong path.
But what happens when God is silent for years? Or it feels like He has been silent for years. Theologians believe that there were about 400 years between the Old Testament (Malachi) and the New Testament (Matthew) where God was silent - there were no prophets to be God's voice and there was no messiah yet! On moving to England (I wrote about this here), I felt like I heard God less and less. The more I pressed in, the fainter His voice became, and the fewer words dropped in my spirit. I was in a state of anguish, perpetually trying to find His voice the way I was accustomed to or to just get any sign from Him.
By the time I got to university and in particular, by the end of my first year and beginning of my second year, I was tired of trying to listen out for His voice. It felt like betrayal. It felt like this God who was my best friend had left me, plus I could not seem to find like-minded people I could do life with, to figure things out together with. I wanted to do His will; I was asking questions, yet I was getting no answers and no help. It felt like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling and I was consistently stepping into the enemy’s booby traps. Where was this God who was meant to be my shepherd?
That God was silent did not mean He was not with me or that He had deserted me. It was simply a new dispensation in my faith walk in which I would learn the voice of silence and grapple in the dark; a time when I would delve deep into word study and prayer chiefly by myself, in the absence of my usual support system, but rather in the presence of hate, strife and deep spiritual warfare. I learnt the hard way to wait on God, and it is not that I would not have waited if I knew. I still believe God could have taught me this even under not-so-chaotic circumstances because I was always eager to please Him and put Him first and do His will. Perhaps the struggle was necessary. Perhaps the breaking was part of His plan. Perhaps being in the dark about what season I was in and what was unfolding in my life was strategic and by design.
Now, until I get God’s leading, I stay put.
In those Leatherhead fields, I wrestled with the Father. I asked questions, and I pressed in all while being upset at Him. A lot seemed unfair. Slowly and steadily, I started picking up new signals like God speaking to me through nature, through silence, through open and closed doors, through random words from strangers, through a strong pull in my chest when He wanted to stop me in my tracks or when He did not want me to go down a particular path, etc. Recently, I read a book – When God Winks at You: How God Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence. God speaks in different ways and can choose to communicate in different ways at different times and seasons. Part of growing in the faith includes being aware of this fact and being open to the numerous ways He could choose to speak to us, as well as being open to the fact that He can change methods of communication at any point, according to His perfect will and His perfect plan.
Over time waiting, I figured that what I heard was correct and indeed I was to spend three years at the company before moving on to pursue my Master’s Degree. Step by step, He led me and at every bend and turn, I asked for extra extra clarifications – I think about the extra clarifications now and find it funny, but honestly, I was tired and just wanted to make the right decisions.
"Work like it depends on you; pray like it depends on God."
I ended up studying Engineering Business Management (MSc) at the University of Sussex and completing my course with distinction! It felt like a part of my restoration package.
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