Sheffield

I have had some grouse with Sheffield since my final year of university. I am about to walk into a new life phase, so I neeed to let it go… I want to let it go.

When considering where to study during my A-Levels, Sheffield, Liverpool and Durham were some of my top choices. Sheffield was high up there for aerospace engineering. Liverpool was good too; I had an enjoyable interview at the university and often wish I had gone there instead. Durham did not have an aerospace engineering course, instead, they offered (at the time, as far as I remember) a general engineering course, after which students specialised.

Durham required higher grades (just a bit more) than Sheffield and Liverpool, seeing as I was navigating a new educational terrain – with my predicted/current grades at the time as well as my personal knowledge of me being somewhat not yet up to speed as I would have liked in this new educational space; not quite knowing what my limitations were, but knowing they were there… (in the middle of figuring these things out), I decided to be ‘realistic’, and leave Durham out. Maybe that was not a good idea; maybe it was.

I remember having conversations with God and trying to hear from him but like I mentioned in Navigating God's silence, God’s voice was not really as clear to me any longer.

My parents were supportive and just wanted the best for me.

Everyone I talked to, and my research highlighted Sheffield to be one of the best in the country for aerospace engineering. I felt some kind of peace/knowing about it (nothing very concrete), so I chose Sheffield.

Here’s a picture of me and fellow sixth-formers on results day, excited that we got into our university choices! I remember visiting my local library, opening a newspaper and seeing this picture. I cut out the picture for memory’s sake.

First year was amazing. I enjoyed being by myself, studying, meeting people (mostly temporary people) and exploring different university activities.

Second year was harder. I wish I lived alone or made a different accommodation choice.

Third year (my internship year) was great. I got to work at Cummins Inc. in Huddersfield while living with my family-friends in Leeds. These were the early days of me settling into England and of me somewhat starting to feel like I belonged here.

Final year was crazy. I faced spiritual warfare that almost cost me my life. It was God that saved me. Jesus came through for me.

I deleted my Facebook account when my undergraduate degree was done to help me forget the wormwood and gall moments, so all the pictures and videos of that time and period of my life are gone. I almost have nothing to show for it, a metaphor for my Sheffield experience and my age 15 to age 25 life experiences.

For a long time, I did not like talking about Sheffield. It was a sour experience overall. Where my academic dreams were meant to come to fruition became where they almost came to die (I had been prepping my mind and working towards achieving a first class since I was 8 years old).

"Sheffield was where I did everything right (as per usual), but this time, nothing worked out."

Time has passed and I have come to realise that life happens. Life happens to everyone. Sheffield just happened to be the place where life happened to me in a not-so-great way. I did enjoy studying my course and lectures but I was nowhere near the grades I wanted by the end of my degree; there was too much to fight. I still do not think I made a single friend at university (If I count anyone I met at Sheffield as a friend, we probably became friends post-university), I became depressed at Sheffield and was barely happy there. I experienced church hurt and just general envy, strife and hatred. I felt trapped in Sheffield and each time I tried to wiggle my way out of the snare, it seemed to close in tighter on me.

Sheffield was my threshing floor. And whilst threshing floors are not necessarily the most pleasurable of places, they are necessary. The wheat must be separated from the husk!

“Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life.”

There was a lot of dying to flesh.

Not too long ago, I visited Sheffield and stayed with Gloria.

I visited my first-year accommodation, walked through Endcliffe Village and made my way from there to the university, just like I would have done in my first year. I spent some time in the Student Union building and finally copped a Sheffield uni hoodie.

I went to the library (this was so emotional; I spent so much time at the Information Commons during my time at Sheffield) and tried to order some cookies and a mocha frappe like I always did, but the library shop was closed.

I made my way to the Engineering Faculty. Mapping still looked as glorious as ever. When I tried to enter, the security looked at me quizzically as it was evening, and I had no student pass. As he was about to question me, instinctively, I blurted out “I am alumni! I am an alumni!!” He smiled and opened the door wide for me. Perhaps a part of me still resides here. Mapping had changed. No wonder the university continues to maintain her top status on the league tables, particularly for engineering courses. Our Mapping study room no longer exists. A huge part of the internal building had been refurbished and modernised technologically. There was a new Diamond building (which was in construction when I left) that supported Mapping, this was now where the engineering students had their lectures.

Walking through the accommodation halls and lecture/study spaces made me realise that I never fully let my guard down in Sheffield. In fact, walking through the university during this particular visit was the first time I truly let my guard down. I find that quite sad. I do not think I found any safe or healthy space for myself during my time at Sheffield. There were too many unknowns; and my history had prepped me for a university and perhaps coming-of-age experience different from this so I was mostly guarded because I wanted to minimise poor decision making. Even if I were to make a poor decision, I wanted to make it fully conscious of what I was doing; I was still studying my environment and getting to know those life factors and the weights they carried. I think my guards popped up an down on moving to the UK which I think is expected in a new environment, as you are still observing; at uni though, those guard rails came up and remained high.

I walked through West Street and tried to get a brie and bacon sandwich from the place I liked so much during my final year, but the sandwich café no longer existed. There was a new sandwich/pastry shop. Ugh! I so wanted that brie and bacon sandwich.

I made my way to Harmony – that place offered good Chinese food at a rate suitable for students. Between 2 pm and 4 pm, they had a £5 deal; you could order any single meal for £5. Jinny Robson and I took advantage of that and went there in between intense classes and the packed schedule our course required, downing vegetable chow mein noodles, special fried rice and sweet and sour Hong Kong chicken, egg fried rice and black bean soup etc. The owner of the restaurant was a stern Chinese woman who never smiled and seemed slightly scary. The food was pretty good, and the price was just perfect, so we were at Harmony almost every weekday during our second year. Anyway, guess what!! Harmony no longer exists; a new Chinese food outlet now sits where Harmony once sat, and they do not even do any student deals!!

As I made my way towards Sheffield city centre. Tears welled up in my eyes. Emotions rose from my chest to my throat. My chest fell into a pattern of tightness and release. I would tense up and then feel a release.

The Sheffield I knew is no longer the Sheffield that is. Times have changed. People have moved on. The city itself has moved on. I needed to move on too and let go of my grouse with this vibrant city I was able to call home for close to four years during my late teenage years and early twenties.

Gloria was gracious enough to take me on a hike through the Peak District. Every student should at least visit the Peak District once – it is a rite of passage; one of the many I did not indulge in during my time at Sheffield.

A slideshow of some pictures of me at the Peak District

It was a wonderful experience, basking in the greenery and lushness of the rich countryside.

Arguments have been quelled and there are no more grouses.

Thank you, Sheffield. You may have not been good to me but you were good for me.